The Topical
By The Onion
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Category: Comedy
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Rate for this podcast
Subscribers: 704
Reviews: 5
Episodes: 258
Apr 5, 2021
Jul 27, 2020
love the onion, love the topical
Kzx
Feb 25, 2020
The most entertaining way to waste 10 minutes of your live. Even their ads are great!
Matt
Feb 20, 2020
I've just listened to The Topical and nothing prepares you for this. I cheered, I shouted, I fist-pumped the air, I cried, I stood and cheered. It's absolutely everything that you would hope it was going to be. I can't wait for you to listen.
Godless Nihilist
Feb 20, 2020
Nothing beats starting the day chuckling at the world's misery.
Description
The Topical is the daily podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, and the only podcast brave enough to ask: What if the news had sound effects? Join host Leslie Price each day as he barely scratches the surface of all the day’s top news stories. Journalism isn’t dead. It's using its dying breath to beg you to listen to The Topical. New episodes published every weekday by 5 a.m. Eastern time.
| Episode | Date |
|---|---|
|
The Final Episode Of The Topical
|
May 20, 2021 |
|
Papa John’s Comes Under Fire For Cruel Treatment Of The Bulbous, Deformed Creatures That Lactate Pizza Sauce
|
Feb 05, 2021 |
|
Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird
|
Feb 04, 2021 |
|
Nation’s Arborists Once Again Urge Congress To Lower The Age Of Consent For Trees
|
Feb 03, 2021 |
|
Paleontologists Determine Dinosaurs Were Killed By Someone They Trusted
|
Feb 02, 2021 |
|
Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God
|
Feb 01, 2021 |
|
Nation’s Hypnotists Announce You Are Now Under Their Command
|
Jan 29, 2021 |
|
Deer Shot By Obsessed Fan
|
Jan 28, 2021 |
|
Dept. Of Homeland Security: ‘Has Anybody Seen A Blue Folder?’
|
Jan 27, 2021 |
|
Fun Toy Banned Because Of 3 Stupid Dead Kids
|
Jan 26, 2021 |
|
Congress Investigating Why Capitol Dome’s Atomic Vaporizing Ray Wasn’t Deployed To Eviscerate Rioters
|
Jan 25, 2021 |
|
UFC Announces Their Athletes Will Now Be Allowed To Fight Each Other Through The Court Of Law
|
Jan 22, 2021 |
|
Secret Service Agent Heroically Dives In Front Of Strong Breeze That Could Have Killed Biden
|
Jan 21, 2021 |
|
Biden Announces Nation Will Rejoin Paris Hilton Fan Club
|
Jan 20, 2021 |
|
New Erectile Dysfunction Startup Sends Ripped, Virile Man Directly To Your Door To Bang Your Spouse
|
Jan 19, 2021 |
|
Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant
|
Jan 18, 2021 |
|
Animal Shelter’s Free Adoption Day Not Even That Good Of Deal
|
Jan 15, 2021 |
|
Shocked Authorities Discover Dozens Of Bodies Being Kept In Hospital Morgue
|
Jan 14, 2021 |
|
Majority Of Young Children Go Missing The Moment Parent Turns Attention Toward Themself For One Goddamn Second
|
Jan 13, 2021 |
|
Report: Leading Cause Of Death Still Venturing Beyond The Pines
|
Jan 12, 2021 |
|
Government Lobbyists Call For Members Of Congress To Play A Little Harder To Get
|
Jan 11, 2021 |
|
Hundreds Killed In Brutal Pro-Something-Anti-Something Clash
|
Jan 08, 2021 |
|
New Food Safety Law Requires Restaurant Workers To Take Full Bubble Bath After Using Restroom
|
Jan 07, 2021 |
|
Northwestern Hospital Apologizes After Accidentally Switching Couple’s Baby With Random Man In Emergency Room
|
Jan 06, 2021 |
|
Serial Killer Clearly Gunning For ‘Parking Lot Butcher’ Nickname
|
Jan 05, 2021 |
|
Congress Swoons Over Newly Elected Bad Boy Who Believes Amendments Were Made To Be Broken
|
Jan 04, 2021 |
|
Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’
|
Dec 24, 2020 |
|
Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021
|
Dec 23, 2020 |
|
Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle
|
Dec 22, 2020 |
|
Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day
|
Dec 21, 2020 |
|
Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad
|
Dec 18, 2020 |
|
Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame
|
Dec 17, 2020 |
|
CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It
|
Dec 16, 2020 |
|
Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List
|
Dec 15, 2020 |
|
Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology
|
Dec 14, 2020 |
|
All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month
|
Dec 11, 2020 |
|
Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals
|
Dec 10, 2020 |
|
Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama
|
Dec 09, 2020 |
|
Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud
|
Dec 08, 2020 |
|
Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt
|
Dec 07, 2020 |
|
Baboon Couple Sues National Geographic For Distributing Private Sex Tape
|
Dec 04, 2020 |
|
Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside
|
Dec 03, 2020 |
|
Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved
|
Dec 02, 2020 |
|
Inside The Sacred Temple Where ‘People’ Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year
|
Dec 01, 2020 |
|
Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell
|
Nov 30, 2020 |
|
American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger
|
Nov 26, 2020 |
|
Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving
|
Nov 25, 2020 |
|
Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy
|
Nov 24, 2020 |
|
Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit
|
Nov 23, 2020 |
|
Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire
|
Nov 20, 2020 |
|
Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years
|
Nov 19, 2020 |
|
New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site
|
Nov 18, 2020 |
|
NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon
|
Nov 17, 2020 |
|
Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night
|
Nov 16, 2020 |
|
Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets
|
Nov 13, 2020 |
|
New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope
|
Nov 12, 2020 |
|
Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom
|
Nov 11, 2020 |
|
OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider
|
Nov 10, 2020 |
|
Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus
|
Nov 09, 2020 |
|
Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream
|
Nov 06, 2020 |
|
Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants
|
Nov 05, 2020 |
|
Election Night 2020: Trump Figures He’ll Go To Bed Early And Check Election Results Tomorrow
|
Nov 04, 2020 |
|
Election Night 2020: Nation Already Too Drunk To Follow Election Results
|
Nov 04, 2020 |
|
Election Night 2020: Middle School Basketball Team Told To Play Around Voters
|
Nov 03, 2020 |
|
Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins
|
Nov 03, 2020 |
|
Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name
|
Nov 02, 2020 |
|
Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out
|
Oct 30, 2020 |
|
New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly
|
Oct 29, 2020 |
|
American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President
|
Oct 28, 2020 |
|
Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks
|
Oct 27, 2020 |
|
Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids
|
Oct 26, 2020 |
|
Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator
|
Oct 23, 2020 |
|
Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End
|
Oct 22, 2020 |
|
High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison
|
Oct 21, 2020 |
|
Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group
|
Oct 20, 2020 |
|
CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama
|
Oct 19, 2020 |
|
L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus
|
Oct 16, 2020 |
|
Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk
|
Oct 15, 2020 |
|
Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure
|
Oct 14, 2020 |
|
Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks
|
Oct 13, 2020 |
|
New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’
|
Oct 12, 2020 |
|
Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good
|
Oct 09, 2020 |
|
DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day
|
Oct 08, 2020 |
|
Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School
|
Oct 07, 2020 |
|
NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America
|
Oct 06, 2020 |
|
Small Town Ravished By Alejandro
|
Oct 05, 2020 |
|
Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds
|
Oct 02, 2020 |
|
Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet
|
Oct 01, 2020 |
|
Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line
|
Sep 30, 2020 |
|
White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October
|
Sep 29, 2020 |
|
Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park
|
Sep 28, 2020 |
|
Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit
|
Sep 25, 2020 |
|
Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value
|
Sep 24, 2020 |
|
Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards
|
Sep 23, 2020 |
|
National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine
|
Sep 22, 2020 |
|
Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers
|
Sep 21, 2020 |
|
Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want
|
Sep 18, 2020 |
|
Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation
|
Sep 17, 2020 |
|
Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal
|
Sep 16, 2020 |
|
NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape
|
Sep 15, 2020 |
|
New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji
|
Sep 14, 2020 |
|
Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds
|
Sep 11, 2020 |
|
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life
|
Sep 10, 2020 |
|
Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover
|
Sep 09, 2020 |
|
Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet
|
Sep 08, 2020 |
|
Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here
|
Sep 07, 2020 |
|
BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window
|
Sep 04, 2020 |
|
Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity
|
Sep 03, 2020 |
|
Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent
|
Sep 02, 2020 |
|
Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree
|
Sep 01, 2020 |
|
Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens
|
Aug 31, 2020 |
|
Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins
|
Aug 28, 2020 |
|
Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere
|
Aug 27, 2020 |
|
Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties
|
Aug 26, 2020 |
|
ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half
|
Aug 25, 2020 |
|
Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide
|
Aug 24, 2020 |
|
New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail
|
Aug 21, 2020 |
|
Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri
|
Aug 20, 2020 |
|
Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans
|
Aug 19, 2020 |
|
Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry
|
Aug 18, 2020 |
|
Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office
|
Aug 17, 2020 |
|
New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’
|
Aug 14, 2020 |
|
As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There
|
Aug 13, 2020 |
|
TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids
|
Aug 12, 2020 |
|
Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds
|
Aug 11, 2020 |
|
Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt
|
Aug 10, 2020 |
|
NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun
|
Aug 07, 2020 |
|
Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security
|
Aug 06, 2020 |
|
Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement
|
Aug 05, 2020 |
|
Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People
|
Aug 04, 2020 |
|
Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee
|
Aug 03, 2020 |
|
Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake
|
Jul 31, 2020 |
|
Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300
|
Jul 30, 2020 |
|
Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies
|
Jul 29, 2020 |
|
U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline
|
Jul 28, 2020 |
|
Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans
|
Jul 27, 2020 |
|
Study Finds Couples Who Live With Moldering Corpse Of Mother Having Less Sex
|
Jul 24, 2020 |
|
Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do
|
Jul 23, 2020 |
|
Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy
|
Jul 22, 2020 |
|
CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools
|
Jul 21, 2020 |
|
Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival
|
Jul 20, 2020 |
|
Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice
|
Jul 17, 2020 |
|
Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years
|
Jul 16, 2020 |
|
IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year
|
Jul 15, 2020 |
|
New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible
|
Jul 14, 2020 |
|
Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading
|
Jul 13, 2020 |
|
New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth
|
Jul 10, 2020 |
|
FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide
|
Jul 09, 2020 |
|
City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims
|
Jul 08, 2020 |
|
Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes
|
Jul 07, 2020 |
|
Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place
|
Jul 06, 2020 |
|
Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs
|
Jun 26, 2020 |
|
Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House
|
Jun 25, 2020 |
|
IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger
|
Jun 24, 2020 |
|
Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To- Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type
|
Jun 23, 2020 |
|
Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday
|
Jun 22, 2020 |
|
Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked
|
Jun 19, 2020 |
|
Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction
|
Jun 18, 2020 |
|
Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option
|
Jun 17, 2020 |
|
NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint
|
Jun 16, 2020 |
|
Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote
|
Jun 15, 2020 |
|
Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony
|
Jun 12, 2020 |
|
New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway
|
Jun 11, 2020 |
|
NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018
|
Jun 10, 2020 |
|
Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.
|
Jun 09, 2020 |
|
New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure
|
Jun 08, 2020 |
|
Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality
|
Jun 05, 2020 |
|
Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography
|
Jun 04, 2020 |
|
Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants
|
Jun 03, 2020 |
|
Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land
|
Jun 02, 2020 |
|
Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters
|
Jun 01, 2020 |
|
NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot
|
May 29, 2020 |
|
Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus
|
May 28, 2020 |
|
What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?
|
May 27, 2020 |
|
Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up
|
May 26, 2020 |
|
Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All
|
May 25, 2020 |
|
Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps
|
May 22, 2020 |
|
Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season
|
May 21, 2020 |
|
U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country
|
May 20, 2020 |
|
Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret
|
May 19, 2020 |
|
Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents
|
May 18, 2020 |
|
Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are
|
May 15, 2020 |
|
New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds
|
May 14, 2020 |
|
Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January
|
May 13, 2020 |
|
Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot
|
May 12, 2020 |
|
Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus
|
May 11, 2020 |
|
Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World
|
May 08, 2020 |
|
Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights
|
May 07, 2020 |
|
Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers
|
May 06, 2020 |
|
Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister
|
May 05, 2020 |
|
The Topical Wins A Pulitzer
|
May 04, 2020 |
|
Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm
|
May 01, 2020 |
|
This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money
|
Apr 30, 2020 |
|
Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines
|
Apr 29, 2020 |
|
Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away
|
Apr 28, 2020 |
|
TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet
|
Apr 27, 2020 |
|
Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked
|
Apr 24, 2020 |
|
Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine
|
Apr 23, 2020 |
|
Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination
|
Apr 22, 2020 |
|
Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work
|
Apr 21, 2020 |
|
CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask
|
Apr 20, 2020 |
|
Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators
|
Apr 17, 2020 |
|
‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity
|
Apr 16, 2020 |
|
Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It
|
Apr 15, 2020 |
|
Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes
|
Apr 14, 2020 |
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Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores
|
Apr 13, 2020 |
|
European Vacation Dispatch: All Good Things Must Come To An End
|
Apr 10, 2020 |
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European Vacation Dispatch: Ciao From The Venetian Riviera!
|
Apr 08, 2020 |
|
European Vacation Dispatch From Leslie Price
|
Apr 06, 2020 |
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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price
|
Apr 03, 2020 |
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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls
|
Apr 02, 2020 |
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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door
|
Apr 01, 2020 |
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CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices
|
Mar 31, 2020 |
|
CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic
|
Mar 30, 2020 |
|
Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants
|
Mar 27, 2020 |
|
NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars
|
Mar 26, 2020 |
|
National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose
|
Mar 25, 2020 |
|
Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020
|
Mar 24, 2020 |
|
God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass
|
Mar 23, 2020 |
|
NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid
|
Mar 20, 2020 |
|
Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near
|
Mar 19, 2020 |
|
Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist
|
Mar 18, 2020 |
|
Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough
|
Mar 17, 2020 |
|
Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time
|
Mar 16, 2020 |
|
An Alarming Crime Scene In New England
|
Mar 13, 2020 |
|
Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence
|
Mar 12, 2020 |
|
Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building
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Mar 11, 2020 |
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Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond?
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Mar 10, 2020 |
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Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems
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Mar 09, 2020 |
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FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground
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Mar 06, 2020 |
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CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus
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Mar 05, 2020 |
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Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church
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Mar 04, 2020 |
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White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt
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Mar 03, 2020 |
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DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine
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Mar 02, 2020 |
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Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog
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Feb 28, 2020 |
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CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad
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Feb 27, 2020 |
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CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels
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Feb 26, 2020 |
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Yosemite On Lockdown After Bear Spotted In Park
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Feb 25, 2020 |
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Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment
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Feb 24, 2020 |
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Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person
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Feb 21, 2020 |
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God In Critical Condition
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Feb 20, 2020 |
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Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success
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Feb 19, 2020 |
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Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’
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Feb 18, 2020 |
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Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist
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Feb 17, 2020 |
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Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow
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Feb 14, 2020 |
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Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes
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Feb 13, 2020 |
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FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam
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Feb 12, 2020 |
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Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’
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Feb 11, 2020 |
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Oscars Ceremony Ruined
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Feb 10, 2020 |
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A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion
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Feb 07, 2020 |
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Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?
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Feb 06, 2020 |
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Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is
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Feb 05, 2020 |
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The EPA Takes A Stand
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Feb 04, 2020 |
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A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa
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Feb 03, 2020 |
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Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart
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Jan 31, 2020 |
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A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein
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Jan 30, 2020 |
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A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa
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Jan 29, 2020 |
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The Onion Presents The Topical
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Jan 11, 2020 |