tcr! diaries - podcast

By tcr!

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Description

The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.

Episode Date
Ice cream anxiety

Content published: Nov 1, 2018 at 10:06 am CST
· podcast published: Oct 27, 2019 at 10:30 am CST

Golden hockey mask

If we’re at a social gathering and it feels like I snub you that’s because I’m not a social butterfly. I’m more like a social moth. My wings are dusty. I check the doors to be sure they lock. I have debates with myself about what I'm supposed to do next. I have the social skills of a turtle. Just give me some lettuce.

Large groups of people don’t necessarily make me nervous, just uncomfortable. I don’t like people sitting or standing behind me. I don’t like it to the point where I’ll change seats. If I can’t see everything I feel somewhat flustered. I like to keep an eye on things.

That might sound cliche or overused or whatever but it’s because it’s a real thing that affects more people than it should.

Talking one-on-one and sometimes one-on-two is fine. I've researched effective communication skills and social graces. One of the best things I learned was to ask other people specific questions about what's going on in their lives. People like to talk about themselves and then I don’t have to talk about me. High-five.

If someone invites me to come sit with their group I’m ready to get up before I even sit down. This doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of people at the table as much as that my fingernails are too long or my shoes are too tight or my eyebrows are messed up.

And it’s not that I’m stressing about those things but I’m acutely aware when I touch things of just how long my nails are.[1] Or if my feet are hot because my shoes don’t have enough circulation. I feel it when there’s an eyebrow guy out of place and usually my whole world comes to a grinding halt until I deal with him.

I don’t write these things because I need a hug. I write them because I feel bad when thinking about the people left sitting at the table after I’ve abruptly left. You didn’t say anything offensive nor did you smell bad. Well, maybe you did but I’m not going to get that close to know.

Because guess how many homecomings I went to in high school? None. How many school dances did I go to? One. And then I left after 15 minutes. Those aren't “poor me” stories, just evidence of a long standing reservation with public suspicion. Well, it’s not suspicion. It’s ice cream anxiety.[2]

Shit happens when we’re kids and it shapes who we become, who we are. Regardless of how much we heal you can’t unbreak bones. We can burn our diaries but our DNA is infused with what we wrote. Our history doesn’t have to dictate our lives but it will cast a doubt moving forward.

Anyways, I do better at standing than sitting. Sitting is a commitment. Plus, what if there’s a fire and I need to leave immediately? That’s never happened to me but it’s a sound excuse. I don’t have panic attacks when I’m out but my thoughts wander, sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. If I had boobs I would be unstoppable.

I check for my keys fairly often when I’m not at home. Doesn’t matter the situation or circumstances. Sara and I could just be having dinner and I’ll still want to know where my keys are. It’s not a nervous habit because I don’t feel nervous. My heart does skip a beat, though, if I don’t immediately feel them in my pocket.

Where the fuck are my keys? How am I going to drive home? People will look at me if I have to break into my truck. I’ll get all this attention that I don’t want. Keep your flashlights to yourself.

So there’s a dude in my neighborhood, moved in when I was drinking. Liked comic books and superheroes. I met him at a neighborhood party and I thought “oh, we could be friends!”

But we never did. I see the same antisocial behaviors in him that I know and love in myself. So I don’t take it personal when I see him in the alley and he only waves.

In related news one of the things I loved about drinking was that at those parties, the lights would dim after I got a few drinks in me and the sounds weren't so loud. Really in reality, everything was the same but drinking made…everything not so much.[3]

Do you guys remember that one New Year’s Eve party where I was recounting a riveting tail of wonder and amazement to a fascinated and captivated crowd of more than twenty? And then after my grand finale where I saved the day everyone cheered and clapped? That one time when I was the public speaking hero?

Yeah, I don’t remember that either. Because it didn’t happen. Most likely it never will. I’m not the life of the party but I will cheer you on to be. After I floss.

I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m fairly confident that I can hold my own talking individually with you about Jame Gumb or Bill Wilson or Bobby Flay. Just don’t ask me to play Cards Against Humanity. That’s too much pressure.

#photos #socialproblems #fridaythe13th #diariespodcast


  1. They’re never long because I’m not gonna let that happen

  2. If you don’t know what that means I don’t blame you

  3. If that doesn’t make sense that’s okay


asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:33 am

I can relate to so much of what you described. I suppose for me it’s social anxiety. I don’t like going to parties, I don’t like large groups of people that I don’t know and it’s even worse if everyone knows each other and I’m the new person. We have an invitation to a Thanksgiving party we haven’t replied to b/c of my anxiety….I’ve only met the couple once. John knows the husband well but I don’t want to go to someone’s house with a bunch of people I’ve never met. Then I wonder why I don’t have friends…this type of thing right here. :(

tcr! tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:50 am

I set time limits for how long I’m willing stay somewhere. With a group of people I don’t know, that limit would most likely be 15 minutes. Then I can leave everybody murmuring amongst themselves.. “who was that dashing man in the golden hockey mask?”

asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:05 pm

If you’re at least making a 15 minute appearance, you’re a better person than me. I’ll be replying “can’t go” to that invite. 😬

tcr! tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:45 pm

How about you guys go for 10 minutes? Drop off a can of that cranberry sauce that makes people swoon? And then announce boldly to crowd, “we’re taking turkey pot pies to the homeless shelter on 5th Avenue.” Nobody would blink as you slammed the door on your way out.

keamoose keamoose · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:39 am

Yes, exactly.

Hater McGhray Hater McGhray · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:52 am

Yep

prokop · Nov 1, 2018 at 11:24 am

Get out of my head. Haha.

fleming · Nov 1, 2018 at 12:58 pm

I know, right??!! I think there are a lot of us out there, just “faking it till we make it”!

Mona · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:49 pm

Story of my life.

tcr! tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:30 pm

One time when I was in college I went up to give a speech. In front of the whole class. 20 seconds in I said, “I can’t do this.” And then I went and sat down. 👍

jenkins_arts · Nov 1, 2018 at 2:01 pm

Snazzy. That’s a technical term.

tcr! tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:24 pm

As is fancy!

jenkins_arts · Nov 2, 2018 at 5:56 pm

Yup

Mitchell · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:30 pm

Totally get it uncle Trav I am very much like you believe it or not I looked up/still look up to you for years

tcr! tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 8:03 pm

Love you man!

Mitchell · Nov 2, 2018 at 6:45 pm

Love you too unc

threecrates threecrates · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:55 pm

Incredibly written as usual pal. Love this! ❤️

tcr! tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 7:10 am

Thanks man! 🍬

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:55 pm

It happens to me out of the blue. Everything can be ok and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with panic. I’m never aware of “what happened” if anything.

tcr! tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 11:22 am

Might be a short circuit. Of course I’m not a doctor or biologist.

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Oct 27, 2019
I've lit my life on fire

Content published: Jul 12, 2017 at 7:28 am CST
· podcast published: Oct 14, 2019 at 7:30 am CST

Lit on fire

If you haven't heard this story, you're in luck.

The first week or so I was sober I was sitting in a meeting and said, “I’ve lit my life on fire.”

When I was drinking I wasn’t capable of caring because I was drunk and numb to my life burning. But being freshly sober I was like, “Oh my fucking god. My life is on fire.” I was freaking out, anxious all the time, having panic attacks... And I really, really didn't want my life to burn down.

As I was talking during that meeting, I was looking around the room and most people were nodding because they, too, had set their lives on fire at one time or another. Knowing that others could relate to what I’d done and how I was feeling gave me some hope. It made me feel accepted, that I was in the right place. My whole life I’d waited to belong somewhere and now I finally had. On more than a superficial level.

And that was all of Step Two’s “power greater than me” that I needed. My head was too full of tops spinning to think on grandiose spiritual terms. The meetings and what I found there were good enough.

All I really knew was that when I wasn't at a meeting I felt batshit crazy and when I sat down at one, I had a little sense that everything was somehow going to be okay. If only for the moment. Maybe. I wasn’t gushing at the seams with positivity but at least I was around people who understood what I was going through.

So then I was talking with my sponsor and I asked when I was going to be restored to sanity and he said “when you work the rest of the steps.”

I think about the beginning of How It Works often, especially the line where it says the steps are the suggested program of recovery.

Just not drinking isn’t enough. Just going to meetings isn’t enough. I won’t feel sane because I’ll keep being me.

  • Until I gave up in Step Three because I accepted my way didn’t work, I was gonna keep feeling insane.
  • Until I took and shared my inventory, shared that ugly, nasty shit, I was gonna keep feeling insane.
  • Until I was beaten by my shortcomings (just like I was beaten by alcohol) and asked God for help, I was gonna keep feeling insane.
  • Until I made my amends, paid restitution for the damage I caused, I was gonna keep feeling insane.

After the Ninth Step the Big Book says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness... We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.”

And ya know what? When I was well into my amends I started to feel more than somewhat sane. My sanity had been mostly been restored. Without me even knowing it.

And today my life isn’t on fire. I don't feel batshit crazy anymore. Mostly... 😉

#alcoholism #lettherebehope #twelvesteps


Momma J Momma J · Jul 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm

I had no idea you were suffering like this. I know you had to do this yourself but I wish I could have helped!

tcr! tcr! · Jul 12, 2017 at 4:00 pm

It wasn’t that bad. A mere flesh wound.

tam.the.terrible · Jul 12, 2017 at 6:12 pm

My life has been in flames more times than I care to think about it. Fall down 7 times get up 8. ❤️

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Jul 13, 2017 at 10:59 am

Fat Charlie the Archangel
sloped into the room….
—-Crazy Love, Vol. II by Paul Simon

Fat Charlie’s life is on fire at approx 1:50.

Monohon · Jul 13, 2017 at 12:58 pm

Come on Travie!

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Oct 14, 2019
Back to regular life

Content published: Apr 19, 2019 at 9:56 am CST
· podcast published: Oct 6, 2019 at 3:30 pm CST

Do you know what I really hate?

When somebody is being over-the-top nice after they’ve fucked something up.

Do you know what I really like?

When someone offers up a sincere apology and then gets on with the day.

Own it. Regret it. Forget it.

Take five minutes, have a real conversation, and then go back to regular life.

If I don’t acknowledge I can come across like an unsympathetic magician. Trying to trick you into paying attention to my magic rabbit and hat. All the while my other hand is holding a bloody knife. I’m not fooling anyone.

And then if I’m dancing around like an out-of-the-ordinary, out-of-control ballerina with an obviously fabricated sugary song and dance, it only makes whatever transgression worse. It prolongs the distress.

Human alien hybrid riding pegasus

Elaine said to me seven years ago, “…and don't grovel.”

I get “wanting to make it better” with flowers from up my sleeve and I’m sure I’ve tried to pull rosy ruses myself. But keep it to a minimum. Otherwise it’s a black reminder. The fuck up lingers like a red rubber band, stretching the hurt out for way longer than it needs to.

Humility. Brevity. Authenticity. I won’t go wrong with these.

#relationships #advancedsoul #diariespodcast


Momma J Momma J · Apr 19, 2019 at 11:08 am

Great philosophy

tcr! tcr! · Apr 20, 2019 at 12:47 pm

Learned the hard way 😉

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Apr 19, 2019 at 4:21 pm

😎

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Oct 06, 2019
The summer of 2019

Content published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST
· podcast published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST

Morning green lights

Peeps, it was a busy summer.

Most of it was spent cleaning and packing up my house. That was a lot. I lived there for 11 years, the longest place I’d ever lived in my life. I threw away countless bags of trash, of life debris and clutter. ⛸

In June Sara and I went to see Ludovico at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago. Maggie and I went to Gay Pride in Aurora. Sara took all of us to Cantigny Park for my 47th birthday. We played mini golf in the dark during Swedish Days.

In July there was the case of the stolen bicycle and Maggie turned 14. We went to Minneapolis to check out the Mall of America and Paisley Park.

Maggie started high school in August, too. 😳

Five chipmunks were caught and released over the summer. I took over 450 photos. I didn’t keep track of how many restaurants that Sara and I went to.

This month of September we went to Nebraska for Sara’s sister’s wedding. During the sermon or whatever the pastor shared a story about an older couple with a successful marriage. When asked how they had stayed together for so long the husband replied, “I always figured it was her turn to get what she wanted.”

That’s how you win.

In healthy relationships life isn’t all about getting what we want but most of it is giving people what they want. Keeping that Christmas spirit of giving all year round is one of the foremost keys to happiness.

In a similar thread Jimi messaged me not long ago, shared something that Cokie Roberts’ husband had said regarding their marriage. It was that the most important life choice we can make is who we spend it with.

So in August Maggie and I moved in with Sara and her kids. It wasn’t on accident or on a whim that I chose Sara. She’s beautiful, kind, selfless, and intent on everyone having a good life. 💝

Speaking of life choices, today is/was my last day at the job I’ve had for the last 13 years. See, I could’ve stayed at my job and in my house in Geneva and been mostly comfortable. But then again and I hate to say this but life can suck when you’re stuck in second place.

I’ve lived much of my life in the moment, in the here and now, but sometimes it’s better to look bigger picture.

What we’re doing and what we really want to achieve.

Where we’re going and where we really want to be.

Who we’re with and who’ll really give us the fairy tale.

I’ve gotten divorced, I’ve moved, and I start a new job on Monday. Go team. 💪

#photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast


Botsford · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:08 am

Life is good! Enjoy the ride😊

Pelletier · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:09 am

Can I give you BOTH a “Happy” and a “Sad” like?…… Gonna miss you at the office.

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:25 am

Maybe we’ll all hook up again at MATS next year!! 🚛

Rich J · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:17 am

Who’d a thunk it. Your life change has led you on an incredible journey so far, hasn’t it?

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am

It most certainly has 💫

Laurie · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:21 am

I am so very happy for you! You are a great guy! ♥️

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am

Thank you!

asquared01 · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:23 am

Sounds like a fantastic summer! Congratulations on the move and the new job! :)

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:27 am

Thanks!! It was pretty fantastic. 🎉

flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:40 am

It’s so great to hear how well you are doing- congratulations!! 😊

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:32 am

Hard telling where I’d be at if it wasn’t for the good people at the Kane County Judicial Center! 😊

flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:58 am

😊

sprout · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:50 am

Congrats, old friend. Happy that you’ve found the happiness you deserve.

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:36 am

Thank you. The last time you were in Chicago was November 2013. I think you’re overdue. 😉

Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:35 am

So happy for you and Maggie! You both deserve happiness. Cant wait to meet Sarah hint hint lol

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:37 am

So when are you and Mike coming to visit? Bring Justice, too!!

Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:45 am

Mike, Travis has spoken lol

Lewis · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:49 am

Very cool…best wishes to you and Sara.

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm

Thank you!

cormanang · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:09 pm

TEAM Travis rules. I am happy for you my friend.

tcr! tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm

Thanks!!

jimi hindrance experience jimi hindrance experience · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:44 pm

😎

Momma J Momma J · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:36 pm

I’m so happy for you, so proud of you!

Raes · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:41 pm

Life is a journey…and new beginnings to look forward to.

tism tism · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:29 pm

W00t!

franh franh · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:56 pm

Couldn’t be happier for you buddy. Life is good.

elaineorr · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:26 pm

Lots of good thoughts

Irene · Sep 27, 2019 at 9:59 pm

Were you able to transfer within your company or is it a brand new job? Best wishes to all of you on your new beginnings !! How exciting, how fantastic, make the best of everything… Much love!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:10 am

Whole new company, fresh start… And thank you!!

Irene · Sep 28, 2019 at 12:50 pm

Good for you. Good luck!

tcr! tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:50 am

PS- there’s a lot of false starts in life. Keep going… 💖

annekothe annekothe · Sep 28, 2019 at 11:29 am

😘

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Sep 27, 2019
jolly green.mp3

Content published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST
· podcast published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST

Please enjoy another song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.

I am surfing the lifestyle that I was shown.
I am riding the aftershock, a tidal wave…
A boy that you have grown.
You have sown, you have stoned.

Who else am I to blame?
Dare I say the trouble lies in how I learned,
how I was raised?
How I was burned? How I was shamed?

Didn’t go to Harvard or enroll at Yale.
Wanted to grown up an astronaut instead I got…
A jail cell. Was a dope slot, addicted to shots.
Can’t think for myself.

I’m not a boy.
I can think for myself now.

Inflated with the airs of rage.
Every breath is one of hate.
Mean jolly green giant of field of defiance.
Stones for you. Burns for you. Shocks for you.

And you.
And you.
And you.

I’m not a boy.
I can think for myself now.

Now I live the lifestyle that I choose.
It’s got nothing to do with you.
Threw away your noose, I let myself loose.

Boo-hoo for you, singing your blues.
Eating your abuse. Duck, duck, goose.
I tie my shoes so fuck you.

paint your fingernails

Alias: grahm sexton
Title: jolly green

#tcrmusic #diariespodcast

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Sep 21, 2019
Not even the here and now

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CST
· podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CST

Time goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now.

Also: be somebody's hero today. 😉

#timeisirrelevant #diariespodcast

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Jun 21, 2019
Whether alcoholism is an actual disease or not

Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CST
· podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CST

The Doctors Opinion chapter from Alcoholics Anonymous

I have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story.

Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield.

There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says...

It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter.

That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward.

When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter."

It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 😉

Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter.

Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower.

#alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcast


zumpknows · Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 am

This may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered.

coolcrosby · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm

I agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease.

SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pm

I agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam.

gafflebitters · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm

Thanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences.

LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pm

As the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the “It’s a disease” mantra—it’s an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking.
It’s a “Disease” so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money.
I’m sorry. She’s relapsing and I am tired of the excuses.

LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pm

The “disease” is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon?
I don’t do “Higher Powers.”

SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pm

I don’t do “god” either. I’m an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn’t apply to me slide off—I wear a teflon shield.

I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon.

Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pm

I am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is ‘chosing’ to drink over you/your family?

It may help to understand what is going on in her brain…. what makes her different…. why she struggles to not relapse….

This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with.

http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependence

It is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards.

LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm

I’m sick of this shit. Thankfully we’ve no children. She knows that I’ve drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married.

She keeps whining “it’s not that simple!” Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce.

tcr! tcr! · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pm

Ya, I don’t blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :)

Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pm

Your decision to make of course, but I think sadly…. at some point, whether in the near or distant future… you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time.

All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others.
Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn’t make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn’t that simple.

Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer.

stankost · Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pm

I think you have a valid point, it was a “personality disorder” few years ago,now it is a “disease”, but ICD had qualified “homosexuality” as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic “just not to drink”.

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May 25, 2019
diaries for 2018 - book now available

Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST
· podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST

diaries for 2018 tcr eyes closed

After all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.

The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.

You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help.

It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.

I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.

And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton.

Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊

Peace out, death to dogmas.

#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale

Get the diaries for 2018 book


tcr! tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pm

PS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊

Hater McGhray Hater McGhray · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pm

Sara was right.

tcr! tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pm

Absolutely right. She usually is 😊

JJania · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pm

I’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday.

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Apr 29, 2019
If I'm feeling the same way

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CST
· podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CST

Truck with pink cloud

If I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.

It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.

Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all?

That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.

Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.

It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.

Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.

To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.

I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.

Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much.

The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.

Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.

There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.

Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan.

But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.

#advancedsoul #diariespodcast


Richard · Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 am

Nice.
Got it.
Thanks.

marney0160 marney0160 · Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 am

Nice! Thanks for the reminder…

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Apr 19, 2019
Pillsbury's Candy Apple frosting

Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CST
· podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CST

Pillsbury Candy Apple frosting

Sometimes I’ll got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.

For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.

Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.

There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.

One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.

🍰💄🤔 #photos #allislost #diariespodcast


Momma J Momma J · Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pm

It looks nasty!

tcr! tcr! · Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 am

I thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding.

Kelly K · Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 am

Fantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop.

tcr! tcr! · Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 am

Usually I’m in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day.

Kelly K · Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pm

I can only hope!

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Apr 18, 2019